An ode to Charring

Today is my fair sweet love's birthday, so this post will be an ode to her beauty.

Oh Charring Cross,
How you fur shines,
How your eyes gleam,
How you waddle so seductively when you walk,
How your sent is so wonderful,
How your fur shines like a nice big bowl of fresh baby food,
How I wish it tasted the same,
How I wish I knew what it actually tasted like...
How your eyes gleam like my fresh poops on a warm afternoon,
How your fat flabs as you walk,
How you are round like a blonde tennis ball,
How you are such a beautiful tennis ball worth every scrap of the food you must have pigged out on!
How you smell like a sewer,
How you smell like a moldy packed of smokey bacon crisps when on heat,
How you sometimes smell of stale wee,
How I love your wee.
My fair beautiful love how you are so many wonderfull things my smelly, fat, baby food coloured love!

Reverseing...

Been a pretty dull day today, to spice things up a bit I decided too travel round backwards all day. It really messed with the degu's mind I can tell you!! I got out of bed reversed to my 'water' bottle had a massive swig of vodka then reversed down my escape tube. Today was a good day to visit my great-nephew Mascot-Pinky (the humans like to argue over what he is called I call him Allan. Suits him.) To get there I had to climb the degu's cage. Now Simples, the degu, was sat on his swing minding his own buissness when I came past, bum first still spending the day reversing. He fell of the swing backwards and squarked loudly at me in supprise. He climbed back up and asked me, 'What are you doing? You drunken pratt?' I informed him that I was spicing up my day by reversing. I think the swig of vodka as an answer explained it all, I think it was my vodka he was drinking. The vandle!! My vodka?!?!
Now I briefly considered biting him but my blood alcohol levels being on the low side (due to vodka theft) I decided his teeth were slightly bigger than mine and it probably wouldn't end well, for him not me, you know when your not used to your booze you might bite yourself in confusion! I can tell you Allan was a bit confused when I backed up to his cage bum first! getting in and out the door was hard work backwards, blind falling!
Getting down the degu cage was equally interesting. Simples tried chewing my toes. So I peed in his cage. Hamster revenge. I'm not sure he was impressed either that or he thought it was a very disappointing whiskey vintage!

Frank

well I decided to go on a brisk walk the other day (by brisk I mean I didn't stagger too much) just around to the kitchen but managed somehow to fall into the humans bag. So much junk in there, who needs to carry round a spoon and an apple unless they are entering some kind of race (I am a firm believer that all apples should be made into cider. I ferment any I am given.) Well she was off to uni for the day, she's studying some kind of art thing I don't understand or pay much attention to. Thankfully I had plenty to drink with me for this accidental stowaway!
The bag was put on the table I rolled out and did a quick star jump landing when I hear applause. I looked round this didn't make much sense! But then I saw a small hamster carrier which might have a laaaaady hamster in. But alas no, there was a small sign saying 7.5 (which I thought was a bit harsh). The occupant of this box looked to be a small custation, a crab! Did the crab think it was a hamster? I've met some confused rodents but this just takes the biscuit (or prawn).

The crab waved me over to his box, curiously I took a swig of whiskey and toddled up, when I hear this voice, quite a low voice say, "Hi, I'm Frank, from Edinburgh me. Stowed away in a bag but was found!" I first though he meant he was in FOUND but after another two swigs of whiskey I worked out it was more about his location less about band membership... I figured the guy needed some whiskey so i climbed onto the top of his box and poured a few shots into his water.
Next thing I know he is waving his claws in the air saying, "I want to dance my claws are moving." He carried on even after I informed him that there was no music playing... Turns out crabs have in shell home entertainment centres so he was not only listening to music but also watching James Bond... I think he was dancing to the film personally...
After a while and 3 bottles of whiskey I crawled back into the humans bag and peed in her pencil case (don't tell her she might get a bit het up let her believe it was magic...)
well I'm off now got to meet a cat and go out on the town well the village's spirits cuboards!.
Bye lifeforms.

THEY MAKE ME WORK!

I've been typing my paws to the bone for beer money! I have a few more eyebrow waggling amazing reviews to come very soon! I'm a typing like my paws are on fire since I spent roughly 3 weeks passed out under the sofa... I only really woke up because my vodka drip had a kink in the line...

Where was I? Oh yes I need to go now, I was half way through singing to my fair love laaaaady hamster about the diffrent ways in which her stench is wonderfully bad and how her fur shines like mouldy baby food...

Working hamster..

Well I have to earn my Booze don't I? Here is my latest album review of Withered Hand's album 'Good News'. The review has ups and downs, mostly bottle movement related...
http://www.thecornishgazette.com/edition8/zaphod.htm

I've been asleep under the sofa for the past few weeks some one slipped something in my gin I think... Managed to wake up for a few gigs though watch this space for reviews! I'm off now to sleep in an inappropriate place, I got some serious headache after sleeping in my humans violin, next time I find the violin of someone who can play the thing!
Bye bye

Gig two of the year!

• I wroted this some time back but I was passed out behind the sofa so didn't have chance to post it. This is about a gig that was on 3rd Febuary at the shakleton arms in Loooooondon. (Lots of reasonably priced booze, hence the time unconscious)
  
  My second gig of the year was Withered Hand's Ep launch for the Fence Records new series of Eps, Chart Ruse. The first being Heart Heart from Withered Hand. the venue was The Shakelwell Arms in London a pleasant small venue with a reasonably cheap bar which made me happy!
  Support tonight was from Seamus Foggerty and Darren Haymen. I started the night sat on the bar licking up beer spills (well you can't waste it!) but when it became time to go in I rolled a bottle of cider through the door to find my preferred spot at the front so I could see! People began to sit on the floor behind me just before Seamus started his set, he was joined by Geese providing an extra depth. His set was great the songs being both gentle and powerful. The acapela song about his favourite t-shirt was my favourite song. Even if I don't wear tshirts I like being a wild free naked hamster, well I've my fur anyway!
  After the first set I went an got a pint of beer and forced a human to carry it for me at teeth point. (I've very sharp teeth me!) the next on was Darren Haymen who used Withered Hand's guitar. My little ears hadn't heard him before but I always like a bit of new music on a Friday evening! His songs were folky but with a modern subject matter I very much enjoyed his set from inside the pint of beer I was treading water in. Then after a quick beer bath top up withered hand came on! I splashed in excitement! He was for some songs joined on stage by others including Rozi Plain who was singing the additional vocals. The room was singing along to most of the songs in parts which made him happy I think! It was at 'Religious Songs' where the entire room was singing along at the top of their voices, loudest at the rude bits though!! It was the best withered hand gig my ears had the pleasure of hearing! I was squeaking my face off to 'Hard on' and swaying to the new songs from the EP I was hoping the post brought my humans copy soon so I could hear it, thankfully it came a couple of days later leaving a happy rodent here. Over all a great night out, I finished it by drinking the left over booze in all the glasses at the bar kept me busy for a while and I nearly was put in the dishwasher! Again.
  
  Well that's me I've some gin that's calling me.
  Zaphod xx