Writing and passing out under the sofa.

Well I probably shouldn't have drank that last bottle last week in my defense it was free booze.. well I say free it was the drips tray at a brewery... I say drips tray I mean I was swimming in one of the vats with arm bands on. Good day or was it a week? After the first gallon I lost concept of time...
Sun flower seed beer is good stuff. Booze and seeds what else?

Well even though I spend a while in the vat with my arm bands on I had time to write an album review here it is enjoy,
http://www.thecornishgazette.com/edition9/zaphod.htm
It is of St Vincent's album Strange Mercy. Its whisker tingleing goodness. I keep a copy in my left pouch behind the peanut butter at all times.

Well that is me for now, got to go wash this mayonnaise from my fur, never take a bet that you can balance on the edge of a box in a sandwich shop.
Hamster out.

Reverseing...

Been a pretty dull day today, to spice things up a bit I decided too travel round backwards all day. It really messed with the degu's mind I can tell you!! I got out of bed reversed to my 'water' bottle had a massive swig of vodka then reversed down my escape tube. Today was a good day to visit my great-nephew Mascot-Pinky (the humans like to argue over what he is called I call him Allan. Suits him.) To get there I had to climb the degu's cage. Now Simples, the degu, was sat on his swing minding his own buissness when I came past, bum first still spending the day reversing. He fell of the swing backwards and squarked loudly at me in supprise. He climbed back up and asked me, 'What are you doing? You drunken pratt?' I informed him that I was spicing up my day by reversing. I think the swig of vodka as an answer explained it all, I think it was my vodka he was drinking. The vandle!! My vodka?!?!
Now I briefly considered biting him but my blood alcohol levels being on the low side (due to vodka theft) I decided his teeth were slightly bigger than mine and it probably wouldn't end well, for him not me, you know when your not used to your booze you might bite yourself in confusion! I can tell you Allan was a bit confused when I backed up to his cage bum first! getting in and out the door was hard work backwards, blind falling!
Getting down the degu cage was equally interesting. Simples tried chewing my toes. So I peed in his cage. Hamster revenge. I'm not sure he was impressed either that or he thought it was a very disappointing whiskey vintage!

Gig two of the year!

• I wroted this some time back but I was passed out behind the sofa so didn't have chance to post it. This is about a gig that was on 3rd Febuary at the shakleton arms in Loooooondon. (Lots of reasonably priced booze, hence the time unconscious)
  
  My second gig of the year was Withered Hand's Ep launch for the Fence Records new series of Eps, Chart Ruse. The first being Heart Heart from Withered Hand. the venue was The Shakelwell Arms in London a pleasant small venue with a reasonably cheap bar which made me happy!
  Support tonight was from Seamus Foggerty and Darren Haymen. I started the night sat on the bar licking up beer spills (well you can't waste it!) but when it became time to go in I rolled a bottle of cider through the door to find my preferred spot at the front so I could see! People began to sit on the floor behind me just before Seamus started his set, he was joined by Geese providing an extra depth. His set was great the songs being both gentle and powerful. The acapela song about his favourite t-shirt was my favourite song. Even if I don't wear tshirts I like being a wild free naked hamster, well I've my fur anyway!
  After the first set I went an got a pint of beer and forced a human to carry it for me at teeth point. (I've very sharp teeth me!) the next on was Darren Haymen who used Withered Hand's guitar. My little ears hadn't heard him before but I always like a bit of new music on a Friday evening! His songs were folky but with a modern subject matter I very much enjoyed his set from inside the pint of beer I was treading water in. Then after a quick beer bath top up withered hand came on! I splashed in excitement! He was for some songs joined on stage by others including Rozi Plain who was singing the additional vocals. The room was singing along to most of the songs in parts which made him happy I think! It was at 'Religious Songs' where the entire room was singing along at the top of their voices, loudest at the rude bits though!! It was the best withered hand gig my ears had the pleasure of hearing! I was squeaking my face off to 'Hard on' and swaying to the new songs from the EP I was hoping the post brought my humans copy soon so I could hear it, thankfully it came a couple of days later leaving a happy rodent here. Over all a great night out, I finished it by drinking the left over booze in all the glasses at the bar kept me busy for a while and I nearly was put in the dishwasher! Again.
  
  Well that's me I've some gin that's calling me.
  Zaphod xx

Sorry...

Oppps... I kind of got myself stuck in the wine cooler for a few days, with a straw obviously. I wanted to chill out after a few busy days at gigs and writing but lost track of time and spent 36 hours asleep and cold. There will be reviews to follow shortly when I can get my head out of this can. I was raiding the mini bar... this mini bar...

 and I went in one of the cans and can't get out now, there was a drop in the bottom couldn't just leave it now could I?
I'm a get back to you when the can opener arrives!
Hamster out!

Ninja...

Being a hamster can be a bit of a drag, no opposable thumbs to open things, diminutive size and so on, but we have come up with a way of beating this. We all thing we are massive and could take on anything. Take the long dog for example, he is terrified of my mighty roar. The amount of people scared of our pointy teeth is a bit silly though, human teeth are bigger. So to add to this adversity is the fact we are kept in secured cages, which is fine, if you are a normal hamster mix eating water drinking rodent. But I know there is more out there, for example, music and drink (not necessarily in that order)and laaaaaaaaady hamsters. So my life is a bit of a struggle for finding new ways and means of escape all made harder by the fact I'm permanently off my face.
The laaaaaaady hamster I love, my fair love Charring Cross, is all the way in the other room at the top of some shelves. In my spare time I like to seranade her drunkenly using my tiny guitar strung with mouse whiskers (The mouse wasn't chuffed when I was plucking it but it backed down as soon as I got some food out). Carried in my pouch so I can climb the shelves easily.
well on this one time I came to stand by her cage, if I stand on top she bites my toes, and started playing when I hear a door open, first I thought it was the humans home early but on closer inspection of Charring's cage I saw how she had piled her toys so when they fell off sounded like a door, expecting me to scarper. When I glanced at her she was sat in the corner of her cage laughing, she said 'If your songs got an worse Zaph dear, they would be illegal. Now pass me your guitar so I can eat it to save my ears.'
Well I was mighty offended and ate the flowers I'd bought ahem stolen in revenge. They tasted nasty. Later I found out they were plastic. I was in the process of storming off, or more stumbling off, when I heard a door sound again, I turned to Charring and she shrugged. This time it was the humans and I was out of my cage. There was nothing for it. I shoved my guitar in my pouch and rummaged around a bit, lots of old buttons and half eaten polos I kept finding, I don't like polos, finally I found it! My ninja hamster outfit!!
Donning my what was now a very very tight ninja suit (I think I put on weight since I had it made the centimeter of belly in the middle was the giveaway) and jumped down. Charring and now polly and Arky were all laughing now (Yes hamsters can laugh, hold one near your ear and tell it a joke you'll hear it), trying to keep face I walked off at speed thinking ouch ouch landed on a drawing pin, drawing pin in bum. Once I was out of sight I screamed, bad move it just caused more laughing turns out you can hear round corners. Turning back to my cage I started to run when at the last moment I saw a dog toy falling on my face I decided to roll back to me cage because the other hamsters were now starting to laugh. I really needed a stiff drink.
Couldn't go anywhere for about 2 weeks after that without being well and truly mocked 'pickledrollypolly ninja ham'. I do wonder if I will ever live that down. Its not easy being a hamster.

Raaaawwwrr and coco pops.

Ever heard a hamster roar? Me neither so I thought I'd give it a try. Got some people quaking in their boots or were they laughing? Any way today I went for a wander under the sofa. It can be quite fun under there, well then the humans have been drinking and have left their drinks out on the floor... anyway I was wandering along and I spied what could be some tasty treats, Coco pops! I thought I'd hit the jack pot! As I came close I heard this sound, like a broken washing machine hugging a camel falling off a cliff with a chainsaw but only very quiet. I stood next to them and somehow they had managed to learn to sing! I'm not sure what they were singing about but it was definitely a lot better that the x factor.
But here I was stuck with a moral dilemma, do I eat them or leave them to sing and eventually release a covers album which would go to number one and then do a duet with Adele. At this point eating them seemed the safest option but they looked so innocent sat there with a half-chewed gold ball and a massive pile of dog hairs. There was nothing for it! I knew the best course of action.
I went back to my cage for a strong drink and hoped I was hallucinating.

That time..

I was dreaming about swimming in a bath of beer ahh the bliss of it... And it reminded me of the time I went on a school trip to a whiskey distillery. I was about 3 months old and out with the other young hamsters to learn how hamster feed made humans inebriated. Being from an area of mostly teetotal hamsters they were saying how bad the booze was. Mama always said that too, my Da was a drinker like me and never paid her the pup seed allowance, he brewed beer with it instead.
At this point in my life the strongest drink I'd tried was a red bull, which I can say had very interesting effects on my wheel usage I'll tell you. The hamster tour of most places is very different to a human one, you see we are really small so need to be somewhere away from human paws, 'A flat hamster isn't a good hamster' Mama used to say. So we were taken round by the tour guide, who was a rat called Steve, nice fellow pinched my packed lunch though. The route went around the tops of the tanks where the whiskey was distilled on little walk ways. I fell to the back all this talk was boring me and my then buddy Zarniwoop (We don't get on so much these days he called me fat and I called him bald.) So we decided to liven things up a tad. When the teacher wasn't looking we climbed on to the edge of the tank to try balancing like a tightrope. To begin with we were both quite good, but the tank contained the whiskey that hadn't been watered down for sale yet and the fumes got to us. I started wobbling on the edge this new feeling of woosyness came over me and I slipped into the vat ducking under when I got a mouthful of the whiskey.
Zarniwoop was still on the edge and saw me fall so climbed back to the walk way and shouted the teacher to help. At this injunction I was still treading whiskey in the vat and thinking how to get out. Then a thought hit me, my Da always said 'Never waste booze my son' so I decided to drink my way out, or at least to a point when my toes touched the floor. Now you'd think a hamster couldn't fit a whole vat of whiskey in them. Think again, out pouches can be a bit scifi, they are bigger on the inside see as is the rest of me... So I drank I drank like my life depended on it, (well it did didn't it?) By the time Steve and the teacher turned up I'd drank the lot and was laying on the bottom of the tank singing a song about how a porupine had stole my socks for a goat. And some how, this is something that puzzles me to this day, I had a traffic cone in there with me.

Misson accepted.

Well after Arky found me dangling in his skylight laughed for half an hour prized me out and preceded to deny he was Arky, I think I ended up believing him after the fourth bottle of gin he gave me... I found my mission in life. I was talking to my buddy on twitter, who happens to be Bearded and well a Dalek, I was shown an amazing amazing thing!! This:
http://www.fermentarium.com/random-news/giant-cosmic-space-clouds-of-beer/

ITS SPACE BEER! I have decided it was put there as a challenge for alcoholically challenged rodents such as my fine fine self. So I'm a going to go into space and find it!! First I'll need a space ship, they can't be that hard to build, right? I have got out my old hamster ball and wheel and I'm making me a little hamster powered space pod. The main issue so far is once I've got food and bedding and the wheel to power it I'm a out of space for my booze, you think if I jettison all my oxygen I'll get an extra can of cider in? I'm not sure hamsters really need oxygen anyway, I prefer inhaling the fumes from whiskey. I just need to find an appropriately large elastic band to fire me up into space then run really fast of my wheel, I packed a tiiiiiiiiny space suit and a straw.
I think I will throw a little party before I go, well I say party I mean I'm going to go back to my cage and drink whats left of the booze in there as running fuel... To greatness and drunken bliss and beyond! Hamster out.

My buddy, Arky.

Well today I went to visit my friend Arky, Small dove guy a bit bald, alright very bald for a hamster not that I say much, well when sober anyway. Got to his cage, nice affair with curtains and a little shrubbery outside pond and the lot to find a note tacked to the door saying, "For any callers, ahem, Zaphod, I have moved to Australia and won't be back." Which was fine, but I could clearly see him through the bars watching TV and having a pint. Either he hadn't moved yet or he had bought some posh booze he didn't want me at. I decided it was time to see which. He has a sky light on the top of his cage just big enough for a trim hamster. I decided that was the best way in.
I took a huge swig from my pouch flask (Like a hip flask just for hamsters) and climbed up the bars, I swear those bars kept dancing and one waved either that or I'd put the extra strong stuff in my flask again by accident.Well being as quiet as I could I go to the window and tried dropping through backwards.
It turns out I am not a trim hamster. If anyone could please come and prize me out you can have a drink. Please? Arky is going to wet himself when he comes upstairs to my bum, that's unless I wet myself first...

Anyway while I'm stuck here dangling, I may as well tell you of a similar incident when I was a pup. It had been a family day out, me, my Mama and my 7 sisters. We had gone to the local park (in the loft insulation, soft so when we fell off the roof joists above be didn't hurt out self, hamsters are a little more liberal when it comes to health and safety.) We hadn't been for a while, last time we when I had 3 brothers, I should have suspected something was untoward about them when Mama named them, Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (ironically she ate them in the wrong order.) But this time it was me and the girls who wanted to play princesses and decided been as I was the only boy in an all princess land I was to be the pony. The pony for 7 plump hamster pups all dressed in pink dresses covered in a copious amount of glitter shouting "faster pony faster". Mama had been sun bathing and talking to another Mama, Fenchurch, who by coincidence ate all her kids the week before which did set me on edge a little... well with her hanging round at a park and all... So she didn't see when I went running into the pond. The girls shrieked and yelled at me, I decided it was probably best to scarper so went to hide in the place they were calling The Tower, which was just an unused cage. Being small I thought I could slip through the bars to get in. I couldn't. Too much of a vimto belly probably. This was definitely not one of my best moves because 5 minuets later, completely wedged, my sisters turned up. And they had a spare princess dress. Leaving me in the bars they proceeded to again dress me blooming up! Half way through Mama turned up and asked "Where is that Zaphod again if he isn't careful..." I yelled "Here Mama! Help!" She shouted "Shut it Mavis" I did shut it but later when they had established I was me ask who the frig was Mavis... Mama Changed the subject, Maybe Mavis was supper?

Hic

Well you humans might be able to nip to the corner shop while I'm stuck in this cage. Last week Someone found my escape hole and plastered it up again, I'd a weeks chewing to get this sorted, well that's a week as long as I'd enough to drink in here which looking at the state of my bed was looking doubtful, you see I'd been cleaned out so had to start my stash all over again. Blooming humans and their sense of hygiene, I keep myself perfectly clean with my spit thank you very much. Where was I oh yes low booze supplies and no way out yes yes I was distracted by the large glass of whiskey I am currently doing backstroke in (The owner of said drink is a little baffled to say the least!).
Anyway by the second day I was all but out and could only get one toe out of the hole never mind my rather plump beer belly, (its a good look on a rodent, trust me *waggles eyebrows*) so I started in earnest, well after half a dozen sunflower seeds and a 7 hour nap just to make sure I was in tip top chewing state. By now I was a little frantic, if I ran out of booze my hang over would start, a hang over which I've been warding off the full effects of for about 2 years (that is a reeeeeaaallly long time for a hamster yous see about 40 human years)and I didn't want to end up meeting it head first, I'd never find any booze again you know!!!
So with my head starting to object I started chewing and there is nothing better at chewing a hole than a hamster. Even more so a hamster slipping into alcohol withdrawal! Minus the breaks (about 27 hours in breaks) I finished in about 3 hours, just in time!! Now I had to get out and to the fridge, in a two dog house crossing a room becomes hard work especially when the Long Dog starts whimpering when he sees a hamster, that confuses the humans. I found a half eaten squeaky toy under the sofa dragged it out into the open and jumped on it for all my life was worth, it worked both dogs lept up and I ran as fast as my little body could carry me to the fridge!
Here I had rigged up some time before a way of getting into the back of the fridge without anyone noticing so all was fine. But seen as my stocks were so low I needed a siphon pipe to cross the room to my cage, it was risky but safer than staying out of my cage when the humans were up I'll tell you! I keep plenty of this piping in my pouches for such emergencies. I found various half open bottles and stuck a pipe in each of them ready to run back to my cage when suddenly one of my worst nightmares happened. A human opened the fridge. I jumped quickly behind a jar of something pickled I think they were eggs but now look like anchovies, that had expired about 4 years ago and prayed it wasn't what they wanted. I was in luck they removed the cheese dish and all was dark again. Needed a quick swig of something at this point, the lack of cocktail shakers in here was quite disappointing at the time, I fancied a nice strong drink, like vodka,100% proof vodka. The strange whiskey liquire would have to do so after half a bottle of that it was time to go.
In this time space the world had stopped making much sense and the pickled onions and jam had become the most endearing conversationalists. When the door opened to replace the cheese I was in mid conversation with an outraged box of left over cabbage about the state of the government, who knew food knew so much... Things got a bit blurry then I just remember waking up 2 days later in the salad draw with a bottle of wine and 2 half eaten pickled eggs and half a kabab. Boy was I cold! Still with my pipes in paw I wobbled back to my cage. Safe. For now anyway.