Well first I'd like to introduce my new Facebook page, you know you like me,
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Zaphod-Jr-Hamster/344230508943800
I guess today was bound to be one of those days from the moment I woke up. I woke up about 4pm staggered from my bed to my water bottle and drunk as loud as I could to make a point of it not being vodka then went off to my food store to find a real drink. Crossing my cage a dog biscuit fell on my head. I don't like dog biscuits, the others might but I find them degrading. Evil eying the culprit I went to hide under my shelf again, humans can be right pests. Later when It became time to get out and explore my locality, I was planning on catching the overnight train to London, I'd heard there was some booze spill somewhere, thought it needed licking up, when a shriek came from a cage, wobbling round I wondered who it was with the second I knew, It was Charring Cross, my fair love, Bounding to her rescue was the only option!
Climbing on to her shelf I peered into her cage and there looking a little confused was the Robo, (tiny cannibal fellow, likes to eat other hamsters bit odd for his species but that guy has issues) what was worrying her was the knife and fork he was holding and his bib. She yelled, "He has already seasoned me, I'm never going to get this parsley out of my fur! Stop the crazed rodent!!"
I took a moment to work out the best course of action, this moment included getting my hip flask out taking a swig and offering it to both Charring and the Robo, who both turned it down while giving me the strangest looks. I thought it was one of those moments that needed a quick swig of something strong, it was only floor cleaner! Then an idea struck me. Literally something fell off the door and hit my head. Luckily it was only some stuffing from a coat so it didn't hurt but it gave me an idea. I hurried off to borrow one of Polly's sticks (She has a compulsive chewing disorder, makes her chew everything she can see poor girl, not very good conversation when she starts nibbling your fur I can tell you!) I attached the fluff to the end of the stick and gave it eyes using poop and stuck it through Charring's bars. The ball of fluff now looked almost exactly like the crazed Robo, and the crazed Robo's favorite snack was its own species, he turned and pulled out his parsley starting to run at the stick, I pulled it through the bars then ran with it in my paw across the room then threw it shortly after the Robo dived on to it. What the Robo didn't know was that I'd doused it in Chloroform he'd be out cold for the rest of the night, then his tiny straight jacket would be back on when the humans found him.
Dusting my paws I started walking back to Charring's cage when I passed out, I'd forgotten to put the lid on the chloroform and all the hamsters were unconcious, My paw the humans were confused when the came into the room!
Tuesday, 31 January 2012
Monday, 30 January 2012
Ninja...
Being a hamster can be a bit of a drag, no opposable thumbs to open things, diminutive size and so on, but we have come up with a way of beating this. We all thing we are massive and could take on anything. Take the long dog for example, he is terrified of my mighty roar. The amount of people scared of our pointy teeth is a bit silly though, human teeth are bigger. So to add to this adversity is the fact we are kept in secured cages, which is fine, if you are a normal hamster mix eating water drinking rodent. But I know there is more out there, for example, music and drink (not necessarily in that order)and laaaaaaaaady hamsters. So my life is a bit of a struggle for finding new ways and means of escape all made harder by the fact I'm permanently off my face.
The laaaaaaady hamster I love, my fair love Charring Cross, is all the way in the other room at the top of some shelves. In my spare time I like to seranade her drunkenly using my tiny guitar strung with mouse whiskers (The mouse wasn't chuffed when I was plucking it but it backed down as soon as I got some food out). Carried in my pouch so I can climb the shelves easily.
well on this one time I came to stand by her cage, if I stand on top she bites my toes, and started playing when I hear a door open, first I thought it was the humans home early but on closer inspection of Charring's cage I saw how she had piled her toys so when they fell off sounded like a door, expecting me to scarper. When I glanced at her she was sat in the corner of her cage laughing, she said 'If your songs got an worse Zaph dear, they would be illegal. Now pass me your guitar so I can eat it to save my ears.'
Well I was mighty offended and ate the flowers I'd bought ahem stolen in revenge. They tasted nasty. Later I found out they were plastic. I was in the process of storming off, or more stumbling off, when I heard a door sound again, I turned to Charring and she shrugged. This time it was the humans and I was out of my cage. There was nothing for it. I shoved my guitar in my pouch and rummaged around a bit, lots of old buttons and half eaten polos I kept finding, I don't like polos, finally I found it! My ninja hamster outfit!!
Donning my what was now a very very tight ninja suit (I think I put on weight since I had it made the centimeter of belly in the middle was the giveaway) and jumped down. Charring and now polly and Arky were all laughing now (Yes hamsters can laugh, hold one near your ear and tell it a joke you'll hear it), trying to keep face I walked off at speed thinking ouch ouch landed on a drawing pin, drawing pin in bum. Once I was out of sight I screamed, bad move it just caused more laughing turns out you can hear round corners. Turning back to my cage I started to run when at the last moment I saw a dog toy falling on my face I decided to roll back to me cage because the other hamsters were now starting to laugh. I really needed a stiff drink.
Couldn't go anywhere for about 2 weeks after that without being well and truly mocked 'pickledrollypolly ninja ham'. I do wonder if I will ever live that down. Its not easy being a hamster.
The laaaaaaady hamster I love, my fair love Charring Cross, is all the way in the other room at the top of some shelves. In my spare time I like to seranade her drunkenly using my tiny guitar strung with mouse whiskers (The mouse wasn't chuffed when I was plucking it but it backed down as soon as I got some food out). Carried in my pouch so I can climb the shelves easily.
well on this one time I came to stand by her cage, if I stand on top she bites my toes, and started playing when I hear a door open, first I thought it was the humans home early but on closer inspection of Charring's cage I saw how she had piled her toys so when they fell off sounded like a door, expecting me to scarper. When I glanced at her she was sat in the corner of her cage laughing, she said 'If your songs got an worse Zaph dear, they would be illegal. Now pass me your guitar so I can eat it to save my ears.'
Well I was mighty offended and ate the flowers I'd bought ahem stolen in revenge. They tasted nasty. Later I found out they were plastic. I was in the process of storming off, or more stumbling off, when I heard a door sound again, I turned to Charring and she shrugged. This time it was the humans and I was out of my cage. There was nothing for it. I shoved my guitar in my pouch and rummaged around a bit, lots of old buttons and half eaten polos I kept finding, I don't like polos, finally I found it! My ninja hamster outfit!!
Donning my what was now a very very tight ninja suit (I think I put on weight since I had it made the centimeter of belly in the middle was the giveaway) and jumped down. Charring and now polly and Arky were all laughing now (Yes hamsters can laugh, hold one near your ear and tell it a joke you'll hear it), trying to keep face I walked off at speed thinking ouch ouch landed on a drawing pin, drawing pin in bum. Once I was out of sight I screamed, bad move it just caused more laughing turns out you can hear round corners. Turning back to my cage I started to run when at the last moment I saw a dog toy falling on my face I decided to roll back to me cage because the other hamsters were now starting to laugh. I really needed a stiff drink.
Couldn't go anywhere for about 2 weeks after that without being well and truly mocked 'pickledrollypolly ninja ham'. I do wonder if I will ever live that down. Its not easy being a hamster.
Sunday, 29 January 2012
Raaaawwwrr and coco pops.
Ever heard a hamster roar? Me neither so I thought I'd give it a try. Got some people quaking in their boots or were they laughing? Any way today I went for a wander under the sofa. It can be quite fun under there, well then the humans have been drinking and have left their drinks out on the floor... anyway I was wandering along and I spied what could be some tasty treats, Coco pops! I thought I'd hit the jack pot! As I came close I heard this sound, like a broken washing machine hugging a camel falling off a cliff with a chainsaw but only very quiet. I stood next to them and somehow they had managed to learn to sing! I'm not sure what they were singing about but it was definitely a lot better that the x factor.
But here I was stuck with a moral dilemma, do I eat them or leave them to sing and eventually release a covers album which would go to number one and then do a duet with Adele. At this point eating them seemed the safest option but they looked so innocent sat there with a half-chewed gold ball and a massive pile of dog hairs. There was nothing for it! I knew the best course of action.
I went back to my cage for a strong drink and hoped I was hallucinating.
But here I was stuck with a moral dilemma, do I eat them or leave them to sing and eventually release a covers album which would go to number one and then do a duet with Adele. At this point eating them seemed the safest option but they looked so innocent sat there with a half-chewed gold ball and a massive pile of dog hairs. There was nothing for it! I knew the best course of action.
I went back to my cage for a strong drink and hoped I was hallucinating.
Saturday, 28 January 2012
That time..
I was dreaming about swimming in a bath of beer ahh the bliss of it... And it reminded me of the time I went on a school trip to a whiskey distillery. I was about 3 months old and out with the other young hamsters to learn how hamster feed made humans inebriated. Being from an area of mostly teetotal hamsters they were saying how bad the booze was. Mama always said that too, my Da was a drinker like me and never paid her the pup seed allowance, he brewed beer with it instead.
At this point in my life the strongest drink I'd tried was a red bull, which I can say had very interesting effects on my wheel usage I'll tell you. The hamster tour of most places is very different to a human one, you see we are really small so need to be somewhere away from human paws, 'A flat hamster isn't a good hamster' Mama used to say. So we were taken round by the tour guide, who was a rat called Steve, nice fellow pinched my packed lunch though. The route went around the tops of the tanks where the whiskey was distilled on little walk ways. I fell to the back all this talk was boring me and my then buddy Zarniwoop (We don't get on so much these days he called me fat and I called him bald.) So we decided to liven things up a tad. When the teacher wasn't looking we climbed on to the edge of the tank to try balancing like a tightrope. To begin with we were both quite good, but the tank contained the whiskey that hadn't been watered down for sale yet and the fumes got to us. I started wobbling on the edge this new feeling of woosyness came over me and I slipped into the vat ducking under when I got a mouthful of the whiskey.
Zarniwoop was still on the edge and saw me fall so climbed back to the walk way and shouted the teacher to help. At this injunction I was still treading whiskey in the vat and thinking how to get out. Then a thought hit me, my Da always said 'Never waste booze my son' so I decided to drink my way out, or at least to a point when my toes touched the floor. Now you'd think a hamster couldn't fit a whole vat of whiskey in them. Think again, out pouches can be a bit scifi, they are bigger on the inside see as is the rest of me... So I drank I drank like my life depended on it, (well it did didn't it?) By the time Steve and the teacher turned up I'd drank the lot and was laying on the bottom of the tank singing a song about how a porupine had stole my socks for a goat. And some how, this is something that puzzles me to this day, I had a traffic cone in there with me.
At this point in my life the strongest drink I'd tried was a red bull, which I can say had very interesting effects on my wheel usage I'll tell you. The hamster tour of most places is very different to a human one, you see we are really small so need to be somewhere away from human paws, 'A flat hamster isn't a good hamster' Mama used to say. So we were taken round by the tour guide, who was a rat called Steve, nice fellow pinched my packed lunch though. The route went around the tops of the tanks where the whiskey was distilled on little walk ways. I fell to the back all this talk was boring me and my then buddy Zarniwoop (We don't get on so much these days he called me fat and I called him bald.) So we decided to liven things up a tad. When the teacher wasn't looking we climbed on to the edge of the tank to try balancing like a tightrope. To begin with we were both quite good, but the tank contained the whiskey that hadn't been watered down for sale yet and the fumes got to us. I started wobbling on the edge this new feeling of woosyness came over me and I slipped into the vat ducking under when I got a mouthful of the whiskey.
Zarniwoop was still on the edge and saw me fall so climbed back to the walk way and shouted the teacher to help. At this injunction I was still treading whiskey in the vat and thinking how to get out. Then a thought hit me, my Da always said 'Never waste booze my son' so I decided to drink my way out, or at least to a point when my toes touched the floor. Now you'd think a hamster couldn't fit a whole vat of whiskey in them. Think again, out pouches can be a bit scifi, they are bigger on the inside see as is the rest of me... So I drank I drank like my life depended on it, (well it did didn't it?) By the time Steve and the teacher turned up I'd drank the lot and was laying on the bottom of the tank singing a song about how a porupine had stole my socks for a goat. And some how, this is something that puzzles me to this day, I had a traffic cone in there with me.
Friday, 27 January 2012
Day jobs are so hard...
Well I've been reviewing more things this one is about KT Tunstall's 'Scarlet Tulip EP' I think everyone needs it. Read this with a glass of something sophisticated like Wine or a gin and tonic,
http://www.thecornishgazette.com/edition7/zaphod.htm
In other news I have some stowing away planned for next week, On Thursday I am going to see King Creosote and Jon Hopkins, with KT Tunsall on backing in Lonnnnndon!(Shepherds Bush) And then some Withered Hand the next day (Also in London). Busy busy rodent. If you are at either of the gigs I'll be at the bar. Please buy my booze or I'll be stealing all my humans when she's not looking then she might get grumpy and ban me from sunflower seeds for a week. And I really like sunflowers seeds.
Today was more mundane, I woke up passed out on top of the space ship I made yesterday, looking at it again its less of a spaceship, more a pile of random objects, what was in that gin? what was in that gin? It looked amazing last night, maybe the mice came and trashed it while I was unconscious... Yes yes that is what happened...
well I'm off now got some biting of stuff to go, the hamster in the cage next to me keeps playing bad music loudly I need to go bite his mpaw3 player.
http://www.thecornishgazette.com/edition7/zaphod.htm
In other news I have some stowing away planned for next week, On Thursday I am going to see King Creosote and Jon Hopkins, with KT Tunsall on backing in Lonnnnndon!(Shepherds Bush) And then some Withered Hand the next day (Also in London). Busy busy rodent. If you are at either of the gigs I'll be at the bar. Please buy my booze or I'll be stealing all my humans when she's not looking then she might get grumpy and ban me from sunflower seeds for a week. And I really like sunflowers seeds.
Today was more mundane, I woke up passed out on top of the space ship I made yesterday, looking at it again its less of a spaceship, more a pile of random objects, what was in that gin? what was in that gin? It looked amazing last night, maybe the mice came and trashed it while I was unconscious... Yes yes that is what happened...
well I'm off now got some biting of stuff to go, the hamster in the cage next to me keeps playing bad music loudly I need to go bite his mpaw3 player.
Thursday, 26 January 2012
Misson accepted.
Well after Arky found me dangling in his skylight laughed for half an hour prized me out and preceded to deny he was Arky, I think I ended up believing him after the fourth bottle of gin he gave me... I found my mission in life. I was talking to my buddy on twitter, who happens to be Bearded and well a Dalek, I was shown an amazing amazing thing!! This:
http://www.fermentarium.com/random-news/giant-cosmic-space-clouds-of-beer/
ITS SPACE BEER! I have decided it was put there as a challenge for alcoholically challenged rodents such as my fine fine self. So I'm a going to go into space and find it!! First I'll need a space ship, they can't be that hard to build, right? I have got out my old hamster ball and wheel and I'm making me a little hamster powered space pod. The main issue so far is once I've got food and bedding and the wheel to power it I'm a out of space for my booze, you think if I jettison all my oxygen I'll get an extra can of cider in? I'm not sure hamsters really need oxygen anyway, I prefer inhaling the fumes from whiskey. I just need to find an appropriately large elastic band to fire me up into space then run really fast of my wheel, I packed a tiiiiiiiiny space suit and a straw.
I think I will throw a little party before I go, well I say party I mean I'm going to go back to my cage and drink whats left of the booze in there as running fuel... To greatness and drunken bliss and beyond! Hamster out.
http://www.fermentarium.com/random-news/giant-cosmic-space-clouds-of-beer/
ITS SPACE BEER! I have decided it was put there as a challenge for alcoholically challenged rodents such as my fine fine self. So I'm a going to go into space and find it!! First I'll need a space ship, they can't be that hard to build, right? I have got out my old hamster ball and wheel and I'm making me a little hamster powered space pod. The main issue so far is once I've got food and bedding and the wheel to power it I'm a out of space for my booze, you think if I jettison all my oxygen I'll get an extra can of cider in? I'm not sure hamsters really need oxygen anyway, I prefer inhaling the fumes from whiskey. I just need to find an appropriately large elastic band to fire me up into space then run really fast of my wheel, I packed a tiiiiiiiiny space suit and a straw.
I think I will throw a little party before I go, well I say party I mean I'm going to go back to my cage and drink whats left of the booze in there as running fuel... To greatness and drunken bliss and beyond! Hamster out.
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
My buddy, Arky.
Well today I went to visit my friend Arky, Small dove guy a bit bald, alright very bald for a hamster not that I say much, well when sober anyway. Got to his cage, nice affair with curtains and a little shrubbery outside pond and the lot to find a note tacked to the door saying, "For any callers, ahem, Zaphod, I have moved to Australia and won't be back." Which was fine, but I could clearly see him through the bars watching TV and having a pint. Either he hadn't moved yet or he had bought some posh booze he didn't want me at. I decided it was time to see which. He has a sky light on the top of his cage just big enough for a trim hamster. I decided that was the best way in.
I took a huge swig from my pouch flask (Like a hip flask just for hamsters) and climbed up the bars, I swear those bars kept dancing and one waved either that or I'd put the extra strong stuff in my flask again by accident.Well being as quiet as I could I go to the window and tried dropping through backwards.
It turns out I am not a trim hamster. If anyone could please come and prize me out you can have a drink. Please? Arky is going to wet himself when he comes upstairs to my bum, that's unless I wet myself first...
Anyway while I'm stuck here dangling, I may as well tell you of a similar incident when I was a pup. It had been a family day out, me, my Mama and my 7 sisters. We had gone to the local park (in the loft insulation, soft so when we fell off the roof joists above be didn't hurt out self, hamsters are a little more liberal when it comes to health and safety.) We hadn't been for a while, last time we when I had 3 brothers, I should have suspected something was untoward about them when Mama named them, Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (ironically she ate them in the wrong order.) But this time it was me and the girls who wanted to play princesses and decided been as I was the only boy in an all princess land I was to be the pony. The pony for 7 plump hamster pups all dressed in pink dresses covered in a copious amount of glitter shouting "faster pony faster". Mama had been sun bathing and talking to another Mama, Fenchurch, who by coincidence ate all her kids the week before which did set me on edge a little... well with her hanging round at a park and all... So she didn't see when I went running into the pond. The girls shrieked and yelled at me, I decided it was probably best to scarper so went to hide in the place they were calling The Tower, which was just an unused cage. Being small I thought I could slip through the bars to get in. I couldn't. Too much of a vimto belly probably. This was definitely not one of my best moves because 5 minuets later, completely wedged, my sisters turned up. And they had a spare princess dress. Leaving me in the bars they proceeded to again dress me blooming up! Half way through Mama turned up and asked "Where is that Zaphod again if he isn't careful..." I yelled "Here Mama! Help!" She shouted "Shut it Mavis" I did shut it but later when they had established I was me ask who the frig was Mavis... Mama Changed the subject, Maybe Mavis was supper?
I took a huge swig from my pouch flask (Like a hip flask just for hamsters) and climbed up the bars, I swear those bars kept dancing and one waved either that or I'd put the extra strong stuff in my flask again by accident.Well being as quiet as I could I go to the window and tried dropping through backwards.
It turns out I am not a trim hamster. If anyone could please come and prize me out you can have a drink. Please? Arky is going to wet himself when he comes upstairs to my bum, that's unless I wet myself first...
Anyway while I'm stuck here dangling, I may as well tell you of a similar incident when I was a pup. It had been a family day out, me, my Mama and my 7 sisters. We had gone to the local park (in the loft insulation, soft so when we fell off the roof joists above be didn't hurt out self, hamsters are a little more liberal when it comes to health and safety.) We hadn't been for a while, last time we when I had 3 brothers, I should have suspected something was untoward about them when Mama named them, Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (ironically she ate them in the wrong order.) But this time it was me and the girls who wanted to play princesses and decided been as I was the only boy in an all princess land I was to be the pony. The pony for 7 plump hamster pups all dressed in pink dresses covered in a copious amount of glitter shouting "faster pony faster". Mama had been sun bathing and talking to another Mama, Fenchurch, who by coincidence ate all her kids the week before which did set me on edge a little... well with her hanging round at a park and all... So she didn't see when I went running into the pond. The girls shrieked and yelled at me, I decided it was probably best to scarper so went to hide in the place they were calling The Tower, which was just an unused cage. Being small I thought I could slip through the bars to get in. I couldn't. Too much of a vimto belly probably. This was definitely not one of my best moves because 5 minuets later, completely wedged, my sisters turned up. And they had a spare princess dress. Leaving me in the bars they proceeded to again dress me blooming up! Half way through Mama turned up and asked "Where is that Zaphod again if he isn't careful..." I yelled "Here Mama! Help!" She shouted "Shut it Mavis" I did shut it but later when they had established I was me ask who the frig was Mavis... Mama Changed the subject, Maybe Mavis was supper?
Tuesday, 24 January 2012
Hamsters view point.
(Obviously the best kind)
Here are links to a few of my articles on other websites as links for now, if I get bored or say break my wheel or run low on booze I might copy the articles across but for now...
http://www.shoft.org.uk/2011/12/18/guest-review-kid-canaverals-christmas-baubles-ii/
and
http://www.thecornishgazette.com/edition6/zaphod.htm
keep tunned for more, when I say tuned I mean sober enough to read my amazingness.
Zaphod jr xx
Here are links to a few of my articles on other websites as links for now, if I get bored or say break my wheel or run low on booze I might copy the articles across but for now...
http://www.shoft.org.uk/2011/12/18/guest-review-kid-canaverals-christmas-baubles-ii/
and
http://www.thecornishgazette.com/edition6/zaphod.htm
keep tunned for more, when I say tuned I mean sober enough to read my amazingness.
Zaphod jr xx
Monday, 23 January 2012
Hic
Well you humans might be able to nip to the corner shop while I'm stuck in this cage. Last week Someone found my escape hole and plastered it up again, I'd a weeks chewing to get this sorted, well that's a week as long as I'd enough to drink in here which looking at the state of my bed was looking doubtful, you see I'd been cleaned out so had to start my stash all over again. Blooming humans and their sense of hygiene, I keep myself perfectly clean with my spit thank you very much. Where was I oh yes low booze supplies and no way out yes yes I was distracted by the large glass of whiskey I am currently doing backstroke in (The owner of said drink is a little baffled to say the least!).
Anyway by the second day I was all but out and could only get one toe out of the hole never mind my rather plump beer belly, (its a good look on a rodent, trust me *waggles eyebrows*) so I started in earnest, well after half a dozen sunflower seeds and a 7 hour nap just to make sure I was in tip top chewing state. By now I was a little frantic, if I ran out of booze my hang over would start, a hang over which I've been warding off the full effects of for about 2 years (that is a reeeeeaaallly long time for a hamster yous see about 40 human years)and I didn't want to end up meeting it head first, I'd never find any booze again you know!!!
So with my head starting to object I started chewing and there is nothing better at chewing a hole than a hamster. Even more so a hamster slipping into alcohol withdrawal! Minus the breaks (about 27 hours in breaks) I finished in about 3 hours, just in time!! Now I had to get out and to the fridge, in a two dog house crossing a room becomes hard work especially when the Long Dog starts whimpering when he sees a hamster, that confuses the humans. I found a half eaten squeaky toy under the sofa dragged it out into the open and jumped on it for all my life was worth, it worked both dogs lept up and I ran as fast as my little body could carry me to the fridge!
Here I had rigged up some time before a way of getting into the back of the fridge without anyone noticing so all was fine. But seen as my stocks were so low I needed a siphon pipe to cross the room to my cage, it was risky but safer than staying out of my cage when the humans were up I'll tell you! I keep plenty of this piping in my pouches for such emergencies. I found various half open bottles and stuck a pipe in each of them ready to run back to my cage when suddenly one of my worst nightmares happened. A human opened the fridge. I jumped quickly behind a jar of something pickled I think they were eggs but now look like anchovies, that had expired about 4 years ago and prayed it wasn't what they wanted. I was in luck they removed the cheese dish and all was dark again. Needed a quick swig of something at this point, the lack of cocktail shakers in here was quite disappointing at the time, I fancied a nice strong drink, like vodka,100% proof vodka. The strange whiskey liquire would have to do so after half a bottle of that it was time to go.
In this time space the world had stopped making much sense and the pickled onions and jam had become the most endearing conversationalists. When the door opened to replace the cheese I was in mid conversation with an outraged box of left over cabbage about the state of the government, who knew food knew so much... Things got a bit blurry then I just remember waking up 2 days later in the salad draw with a bottle of wine and 2 half eaten pickled eggs and half a kabab. Boy was I cold! Still with my pipes in paw I wobbled back to my cage. Safe. For now anyway.
Anyway by the second day I was all but out and could only get one toe out of the hole never mind my rather plump beer belly, (its a good look on a rodent, trust me *waggles eyebrows*) so I started in earnest, well after half a dozen sunflower seeds and a 7 hour nap just to make sure I was in tip top chewing state. By now I was a little frantic, if I ran out of booze my hang over would start, a hang over which I've been warding off the full effects of for about 2 years (that is a reeeeeaaallly long time for a hamster yous see about 40 human years)and I didn't want to end up meeting it head first, I'd never find any booze again you know!!!
So with my head starting to object I started chewing and there is nothing better at chewing a hole than a hamster. Even more so a hamster slipping into alcohol withdrawal! Minus the breaks (about 27 hours in breaks) I finished in about 3 hours, just in time!! Now I had to get out and to the fridge, in a two dog house crossing a room becomes hard work especially when the Long Dog starts whimpering when he sees a hamster, that confuses the humans. I found a half eaten squeaky toy under the sofa dragged it out into the open and jumped on it for all my life was worth, it worked both dogs lept up and I ran as fast as my little body could carry me to the fridge!
Here I had rigged up some time before a way of getting into the back of the fridge without anyone noticing so all was fine. But seen as my stocks were so low I needed a siphon pipe to cross the room to my cage, it was risky but safer than staying out of my cage when the humans were up I'll tell you! I keep plenty of this piping in my pouches for such emergencies. I found various half open bottles and stuck a pipe in each of them ready to run back to my cage when suddenly one of my worst nightmares happened. A human opened the fridge. I jumped quickly behind a jar of something pickled I think they were eggs but now look like anchovies, that had expired about 4 years ago and prayed it wasn't what they wanted. I was in luck they removed the cheese dish and all was dark again. Needed a quick swig of something at this point, the lack of cocktail shakers in here was quite disappointing at the time, I fancied a nice strong drink, like vodka,100% proof vodka. The strange whiskey liquire would have to do so after half a bottle of that it was time to go.
In this time space the world had stopped making much sense and the pickled onions and jam had become the most endearing conversationalists. When the door opened to replace the cheese I was in mid conversation with an outraged box of left over cabbage about the state of the government, who knew food knew so much... Things got a bit blurry then I just remember waking up 2 days later in the salad draw with a bottle of wine and 2 half eaten pickled eggs and half a kabab. Boy was I cold! Still with my pipes in paw I wobbled back to my cage. Safe. For now anyway.
Tuesday, 10 January 2012
Travels under the sofa.
I was having one of those days, you know the kind, you get up check the fridge and horror of all horrors you have drank all the booze even that wine made from some kind of unmentionable vegetable and flower mix... well that was a bad start to my morning. so I'm a going to Asda and the off license. It meant that my hang over had time to mature (I like to maintain a constant level of drunk you see keeps my head clear) so even the pretty laaaaaaaady hamsters weren't all so pretty and that damn degu was rustling too loud again.
It seemed a good day to go explore, so down my handy tunnel empty bottle in tow, you know in case I find spillages can't waste good booze! I was off to hamster Asda, which to you human things is under the sofa but to us its a great place to shop. Problem is the other hamsters round here don't drink boring things so its fine if you want a hamster delicacy - soggy cheerios and bits of toast but no good for my liquid diet I can tell you!!!
Luckily I have my trusty bottle and pipe, I went off to the spirits cabinet! but this poses risks!! Open ground and 2 silly dogs. The long dog is pretty scared of my pointy teeth the other one just doesn't care are all dogs like this? When I growl they run away raaawwwwwrrrrrr cough cough splutter... I ninja danced all the way to the cupboard, fell over a few oddly placed bits of gravel in the process probably explains why my ear is folded over and have a black eye...
And in the cupboard!! I was there for a while, I think after taking the lid off the bottle of vodka I can't remember much other than waking up with an Alan Titchmarsh cardboard cut out and a duck with no feathers, how that happened I would put down to the fox passed out at the end of my bed...
It seemed a good day to go explore, so down my handy tunnel empty bottle in tow, you know in case I find spillages can't waste good booze! I was off to hamster Asda, which to you human things is under the sofa but to us its a great place to shop. Problem is the other hamsters round here don't drink boring things so its fine if you want a hamster delicacy - soggy cheerios and bits of toast but no good for my liquid diet I can tell you!!!
Luckily I have my trusty bottle and pipe, I went off to the spirits cabinet! but this poses risks!! Open ground and 2 silly dogs. The long dog is pretty scared of my pointy teeth the other one just doesn't care are all dogs like this? When I growl they run away raaawwwwwrrrrrr cough cough splutter... I ninja danced all the way to the cupboard, fell over a few oddly placed bits of gravel in the process probably explains why my ear is folded over and have a black eye...
And in the cupboard!! I was there for a while, I think after taking the lid off the bottle of vodka I can't remember much other than waking up with an Alan Titchmarsh cardboard cut out and a duck with no feathers, how that happened I would put down to the fox passed out at the end of my bed...
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Hello and Pint?
They say I was born but I like to think I escaped in to amazingness. My mama was a beautiful lady hamster all fluffy with a taste for eating her own off spring. I'm told I have a look of my dad the original Zaphod but I think I'm better more refined the ultimate Zaphod you know well you've seen my face haven't you?
My sisters were as mental as my mama, it was hard being the only boy with all those girls who looked like they wanted to eat me like mama. The number of times I woke up wearing nail polish was traumatising. One time, after a family wedding, an uncle married an iguana he was a bit coookoo to say the least. My sisters elected me the main bridesmaid. They didn't tell me about this so when I woke up (it has been a heavy night I'd drank too much vimto) I was wearing a huge marangie style bridesmaid dress an they had permed my fur, next thing I knew mama had us all in the hamster ball and we were headed to the church I think she thought I was one of my sisters kept calling me Synthia which was odd been as non of my sisters are called Synthia. We got to the church (under the floor boards away from human eyes) and uncle Harry (the cookoo one) started wetting himself with laughter, he immediately recognised me with my pouting expression and lipstick on my ear. My sisters all looked nightly suspicious thankfully my uncle took me to get changed imagine the wedding photos! I'd never live them down!! I then started sleeping with one eye open. It didn't work. 7 to one isn't good odds.
My sisters were as mental as my mama, it was hard being the only boy with all those girls who looked like they wanted to eat me like mama. The number of times I woke up wearing nail polish was traumatising. One time, after a family wedding, an uncle married an iguana he was a bit coookoo to say the least. My sisters elected me the main bridesmaid. They didn't tell me about this so when I woke up (it has been a heavy night I'd drank too much vimto) I was wearing a huge marangie style bridesmaid dress an they had permed my fur, next thing I knew mama had us all in the hamster ball and we were headed to the church I think she thought I was one of my sisters kept calling me Synthia which was odd been as non of my sisters are called Synthia. We got to the church (under the floor boards away from human eyes) and uncle Harry (the cookoo one) started wetting himself with laughter, he immediately recognised me with my pouting expression and lipstick on my ear. My sisters all looked nightly suspicious thankfully my uncle took me to get changed imagine the wedding photos! I'd never live them down!! I then started sleeping with one eye open. It didn't work. 7 to one isn't good odds.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)