Well you humans might be able to nip to the corner shop while I'm stuck in this cage. Last week Someone found my escape hole and plastered it up again, I'd a weeks chewing to get this sorted, well that's a week as long as I'd enough to drink in here which looking at the state of my bed was looking doubtful, you see I'd been cleaned out so had to start my stash all over again. Blooming humans and their sense of hygiene, I keep myself perfectly clean with my spit thank you very much. Where was I oh yes low booze supplies and no way out yes yes I was distracted by the large glass of whiskey I am currently doing backstroke in (The owner of said drink is a little baffled to say the least!).
Anyway by the second day I was all but out and could only get one toe out of the hole never mind my rather plump beer belly, (its a good look on a rodent, trust me *waggles eyebrows*) so I started in earnest, well after half a dozen sunflower seeds and a 7 hour nap just to make sure I was in tip top chewing state. By now I was a little frantic, if I ran out of booze my hang over would start, a hang over which I've been warding off the full effects of for about 2 years (that is a reeeeeaaallly long time for a hamster yous see about 40 human years)and I didn't want to end up meeting it head first, I'd never find any booze again you know!!!
So with my head starting to object I started chewing and there is nothing better at chewing a hole than a hamster. Even more so a hamster slipping into alcohol withdrawal! Minus the breaks (about 27 hours in breaks) I finished in about 3 hours, just in time!! Now I had to get out and to the fridge, in a two dog house crossing a room becomes hard work especially when the Long Dog starts whimpering when he sees a hamster, that confuses the humans. I found a half eaten squeaky toy under the sofa dragged it out into the open and jumped on it for all my life was worth, it worked both dogs lept up and I ran as fast as my little body could carry me to the fridge!
Here I had rigged up some time before a way of getting into the back of the fridge without anyone noticing so all was fine. But seen as my stocks were so low I needed a siphon pipe to cross the room to my cage, it was risky but safer than staying out of my cage when the humans were up I'll tell you! I keep plenty of this piping in my pouches for such emergencies. I found various half open bottles and stuck a pipe in each of them ready to run back to my cage when suddenly one of my worst nightmares happened. A human opened the fridge. I jumped quickly behind a jar of something pickled I think they were eggs but now look like anchovies, that had expired about 4 years ago and prayed it wasn't what they wanted. I was in luck they removed the cheese dish and all was dark again. Needed a quick swig of something at this point, the lack of cocktail shakers in here was quite disappointing at the time, I fancied a nice strong drink, like vodka,100% proof vodka. The strange whiskey liquire would have to do so after half a bottle of that it was time to go.
In this time space the world had stopped making much sense and the pickled onions and jam had become the most endearing conversationalists. When the door opened to replace the cheese I was in mid conversation with an outraged box of left over cabbage about the state of the government, who knew food knew so much... Things got a bit blurry then I just remember waking up 2 days later in the salad draw with a bottle of wine and 2 half eaten pickled eggs and half a kabab. Boy was I cold! Still with my pipes in paw I wobbled back to my cage. Safe. For now anyway.