Reverseing...

Been a pretty dull day today, to spice things up a bit I decided too travel round backwards all day. It really messed with the degu's mind I can tell you!! I got out of bed reversed to my 'water' bottle had a massive swig of vodka then reversed down my escape tube. Today was a good day to visit my great-nephew Mascot-Pinky (the humans like to argue over what he is called I call him Allan. Suits him.) To get there I had to climb the degu's cage. Now Simples, the degu, was sat on his swing minding his own buissness when I came past, bum first still spending the day reversing. He fell of the swing backwards and squarked loudly at me in supprise. He climbed back up and asked me, 'What are you doing? You drunken pratt?' I informed him that I was spicing up my day by reversing. I think the swig of vodka as an answer explained it all, I think it was my vodka he was drinking. The vandle!! My vodka?!?!
Now I briefly considered biting him but my blood alcohol levels being on the low side (due to vodka theft) I decided his teeth were slightly bigger than mine and it probably wouldn't end well, for him not me, you know when your not used to your booze you might bite yourself in confusion! I can tell you Allan was a bit confused when I backed up to his cage bum first! getting in and out the door was hard work backwards, blind falling!
Getting down the degu cage was equally interesting. Simples tried chewing my toes. So I peed in his cage. Hamster revenge. I'm not sure he was impressed either that or he thought it was a very disappointing whiskey vintage!

And more from my travels...

Well here is one of my amazing reviews about the time I didn't spend at the bar... I just rolled cans of beer and cider away to stand on.
http://www.shoft.org.uk/2012/02/02/guest-review-withered-hand-francois-and-the-atlas-mountains-king-creosote-jon-hopkins-shepherds-bush-empire/
Published on Songs Heard On Fast Trains.
And please note I am NOT a rat, other than the other week when I dressed up as a Laaaaaaaaady rat to confuse some humans, that was fun, was my pal Arkys idea, I was just mocking him for being bald when he brought out the costume nearly got stamped on by some humans though, is that why he was laughing? I'm not sure it had been a heavy day,  I'd been syphoning off the spirits in the cupboard. Who know cupboards had spirits!
I'm off again tonight too much trouble to cause, I'm a going to leeds and Brighton! The hamsters down in Brighton are the cool crowd they seem rather miffed when I turn up, though I'm off to visit Lister Stilton the Small and he is a Britney Spears tribute act so I'm not as bothered about his opinion he's just good fun when we find his humans booze stash. So long as he doesn't get me in that sequin boob tube like he did last time we will be all good. He even has a photo of me on his wall look!

I'm the little guys icon, hic. I think he is a disillusioned rodent either that or he has never met another hamster... Yes wait its the second isn't it? Damn...
Well I'm off now lots of pouching and drinking to be done to go away, I'm a bit like a Camel I store booze in the hump on my belly, its a beer belly, put a straw in and I'd be some kind of strong drink, got to put it somewhere!
I'm off toodle pipsy doos*!

(*I'm practicing being posh for when I'm on the south coast being a Yorkshire rodent I need practice)

Sorry...

Oppps... I kind of got myself stuck in the wine cooler for a few days, with a straw obviously. I wanted to chill out after a few busy days at gigs and writing but lost track of time and spent 36 hours asleep and cold. There will be reviews to follow shortly when I can get my head out of this can. I was raiding the mini bar... this mini bar...

 and I went in one of the cans and can't get out now, there was a drop in the bottom couldn't just leave it now could I?
I'm a get back to you when the can opener arrives!
Hamster out!

Busy busy rodent

Well the crazed Robo met his match last night with one of my bearded buddies! He'll not try eating Charry again in a rush!

http://twitpic.com/8e8z7h

Today I've been packing my pouches for a couple of days away, got 36 bottles of vodka, some tooth picks, 4 straws and a bowler hat. All very much needed, my seed is in the overflow bag, hopefully The Human won't notice, she's not that obeservant so I should be fine, don't want to loose my rum soaked pumpkin seeds now do i?!
I'm a off now, got some sleeping and boozing to do before my trip! Need to be fully pickled, man where did I put my purse? It has all my pennies in... oh yes... I spent the purse and put the pennies in my pouch, that was some night. Never go out drinking with moles, they can't see but can they drink?! I think the whole moles being blind thing comes from that spirit they drink, called 'Illavenofver' it has more alcohol that you can ring out of my socks in it! 268% proof, not sure that is even possible... But its good stuff, I was going to take a bottle home but somehow I ended up with a rhino and 5 ducks.
Well bye bye humans, and if you see me out and about don't forget to buy me a drink*!

*Or I will climb up your trouser leg and pee


(Drawing by @beardeddalek my buddy)

Zaphod to the rescue....

Well first I'd like to introduce my new Facebook page, you know you like me,
http://www.facebook.com/pages/Zaphod-Jr-Hamster/344230508943800
I guess today was bound to be one of those days from the moment I woke up. I woke up about 4pm staggered from my bed to my water bottle and drunk as loud as I could to make a point of it not being vodka then went off to my food store to find a real drink. Crossing my cage a dog biscuit fell on my head. I don't like dog biscuits, the others might but I find them degrading. Evil eying the culprit I went to hide under my shelf again, humans can be right pests. Later when It became time to get out and explore my locality, I was planning on catching the overnight train to London, I'd heard there was some booze spill somewhere, thought it needed licking up, when a shriek came from a cage, wobbling round I wondered who it was with the second I knew, It was Charring Cross, my fair love, Bounding to her rescue was the only option!
Climbing on to her shelf I peered into her cage and there looking a little confused was the Robo, (tiny cannibal fellow, likes to eat other hamsters bit odd for his species but that guy has issues) what was worrying her was the knife and fork he was holding and his bib. She yelled, "He has already seasoned me, I'm never going to get this parsley out of my fur! Stop the crazed rodent!!"
I took a moment to work out the best course of action, this moment included getting my hip flask out taking a swig and offering it to both Charring and the Robo, who both turned it down while giving me the strangest looks. I thought it was one of those moments that needed a quick swig of something strong, it was only floor cleaner! Then an idea struck me. Literally something fell off the door and hit my head. Luckily it was only some stuffing from a coat so it didn't hurt but it gave me an idea. I hurried off to borrow one of Polly's sticks (She has a compulsive chewing disorder, makes her chew everything she can see poor girl, not very good conversation when she starts nibbling your fur I can tell you!) I attached the fluff to the end of the stick and gave it eyes using poop and stuck it through Charring's bars. The ball of fluff now looked almost exactly like the crazed Robo, and the crazed Robo's favorite snack was its own species, he turned and pulled out his parsley starting to run at the stick, I pulled it through the bars then ran with it in my paw across the room then threw it shortly after the Robo dived on to it. What the Robo didn't know was that I'd doused it in Chloroform he'd be out cold for the rest of the night, then his tiny straight jacket would be back on when the humans found him.
Dusting my paws I started walking back to Charring's cage when I passed out, I'd forgotten to put the lid on the chloroform and all the hamsters were unconcious, My paw the humans were confused when the came into the room!

Ninja...

Being a hamster can be a bit of a drag, no opposable thumbs to open things, diminutive size and so on, but we have come up with a way of beating this. We all thing we are massive and could take on anything. Take the long dog for example, he is terrified of my mighty roar. The amount of people scared of our pointy teeth is a bit silly though, human teeth are bigger. So to add to this adversity is the fact we are kept in secured cages, which is fine, if you are a normal hamster mix eating water drinking rodent. But I know there is more out there, for example, music and drink (not necessarily in that order)and laaaaaaaaady hamsters. So my life is a bit of a struggle for finding new ways and means of escape all made harder by the fact I'm permanently off my face.
The laaaaaaady hamster I love, my fair love Charring Cross, is all the way in the other room at the top of some shelves. In my spare time I like to seranade her drunkenly using my tiny guitar strung with mouse whiskers (The mouse wasn't chuffed when I was plucking it but it backed down as soon as I got some food out). Carried in my pouch so I can climb the shelves easily.
well on this one time I came to stand by her cage, if I stand on top she bites my toes, and started playing when I hear a door open, first I thought it was the humans home early but on closer inspection of Charring's cage I saw how she had piled her toys so when they fell off sounded like a door, expecting me to scarper. When I glanced at her she was sat in the corner of her cage laughing, she said 'If your songs got an worse Zaph dear, they would be illegal. Now pass me your guitar so I can eat it to save my ears.'
Well I was mighty offended and ate the flowers I'd bought ahem stolen in revenge. They tasted nasty. Later I found out they were plastic. I was in the process of storming off, or more stumbling off, when I heard a door sound again, I turned to Charring and she shrugged. This time it was the humans and I was out of my cage. There was nothing for it. I shoved my guitar in my pouch and rummaged around a bit, lots of old buttons and half eaten polos I kept finding, I don't like polos, finally I found it! My ninja hamster outfit!!
Donning my what was now a very very tight ninja suit (I think I put on weight since I had it made the centimeter of belly in the middle was the giveaway) and jumped down. Charring and now polly and Arky were all laughing now (Yes hamsters can laugh, hold one near your ear and tell it a joke you'll hear it), trying to keep face I walked off at speed thinking ouch ouch landed on a drawing pin, drawing pin in bum. Once I was out of sight I screamed, bad move it just caused more laughing turns out you can hear round corners. Turning back to my cage I started to run when at the last moment I saw a dog toy falling on my face I decided to roll back to me cage because the other hamsters were now starting to laugh. I really needed a stiff drink.
Couldn't go anywhere for about 2 weeks after that without being well and truly mocked 'pickledrollypolly ninja ham'. I do wonder if I will ever live that down. Its not easy being a hamster.

Raaaawwwrr and coco pops.

Ever heard a hamster roar? Me neither so I thought I'd give it a try. Got some people quaking in their boots or were they laughing? Any way today I went for a wander under the sofa. It can be quite fun under there, well then the humans have been drinking and have left their drinks out on the floor... anyway I was wandering along and I spied what could be some tasty treats, Coco pops! I thought I'd hit the jack pot! As I came close I heard this sound, like a broken washing machine hugging a camel falling off a cliff with a chainsaw but only very quiet. I stood next to them and somehow they had managed to learn to sing! I'm not sure what they were singing about but it was definitely a lot better that the x factor.
But here I was stuck with a moral dilemma, do I eat them or leave them to sing and eventually release a covers album which would go to number one and then do a duet with Adele. At this point eating them seemed the safest option but they looked so innocent sat there with a half-chewed gold ball and a massive pile of dog hairs. There was nothing for it! I knew the best course of action.
I went back to my cage for a strong drink and hoped I was hallucinating.

That time..

I was dreaming about swimming in a bath of beer ahh the bliss of it... And it reminded me of the time I went on a school trip to a whiskey distillery. I was about 3 months old and out with the other young hamsters to learn how hamster feed made humans inebriated. Being from an area of mostly teetotal hamsters they were saying how bad the booze was. Mama always said that too, my Da was a drinker like me and never paid her the pup seed allowance, he brewed beer with it instead.
At this point in my life the strongest drink I'd tried was a red bull, which I can say had very interesting effects on my wheel usage I'll tell you. The hamster tour of most places is very different to a human one, you see we are really small so need to be somewhere away from human paws, 'A flat hamster isn't a good hamster' Mama used to say. So we were taken round by the tour guide, who was a rat called Steve, nice fellow pinched my packed lunch though. The route went around the tops of the tanks where the whiskey was distilled on little walk ways. I fell to the back all this talk was boring me and my then buddy Zarniwoop (We don't get on so much these days he called me fat and I called him bald.) So we decided to liven things up a tad. When the teacher wasn't looking we climbed on to the edge of the tank to try balancing like a tightrope. To begin with we were both quite good, but the tank contained the whiskey that hadn't been watered down for sale yet and the fumes got to us. I started wobbling on the edge this new feeling of woosyness came over me and I slipped into the vat ducking under when I got a mouthful of the whiskey.
Zarniwoop was still on the edge and saw me fall so climbed back to the walk way and shouted the teacher to help. At this injunction I was still treading whiskey in the vat and thinking how to get out. Then a thought hit me, my Da always said 'Never waste booze my son' so I decided to drink my way out, or at least to a point when my toes touched the floor. Now you'd think a hamster couldn't fit a whole vat of whiskey in them. Think again, out pouches can be a bit scifi, they are bigger on the inside see as is the rest of me... So I drank I drank like my life depended on it, (well it did didn't it?) By the time Steve and the teacher turned up I'd drank the lot and was laying on the bottom of the tank singing a song about how a porupine had stole my socks for a goat. And some how, this is something that puzzles me to this day, I had a traffic cone in there with me.

Day jobs are so hard...

Well I've been reviewing more things this one is about KT Tunstall's 'Scarlet Tulip EP' I think everyone needs it. Read this with a glass of something sophisticated like Wine or a gin and tonic,
http://www.thecornishgazette.com/edition7/zaphod.htm
In other news I have some stowing away planned for next week, On Thursday I am going to see King Creosote and Jon Hopkins, with KT Tunsall on backing in Lonnnnndon!(Shepherds Bush) And then some Withered Hand the next day (Also in London). Busy busy rodent. If you are at either of the gigs I'll be at the bar. Please buy my booze or I'll be stealing all my humans when she's not looking then she might get grumpy and ban me from sunflower seeds for a week. And I really like sunflowers seeds.
Today was more mundane, I woke up passed out on top of the space ship I made yesterday, looking at it again its less of a spaceship, more a pile of random objects, what was in that gin? what was in that gin? It looked amazing last night, maybe the mice came and trashed it while I was unconscious... Yes yes that is what happened...
well I'm off now got some biting of stuff to go, the hamster in the cage next to me keeps playing bad music loudly I need to go bite his mpaw3 player.

Misson accepted.

Well after Arky found me dangling in his skylight laughed for half an hour prized me out and preceded to deny he was Arky, I think I ended up believing him after the fourth bottle of gin he gave me... I found my mission in life. I was talking to my buddy on twitter, who happens to be Bearded and well a Dalek, I was shown an amazing amazing thing!! This:
http://www.fermentarium.com/random-news/giant-cosmic-space-clouds-of-beer/

ITS SPACE BEER! I have decided it was put there as a challenge for alcoholically challenged rodents such as my fine fine self. So I'm a going to go into space and find it!! First I'll need a space ship, they can't be that hard to build, right? I have got out my old hamster ball and wheel and I'm making me a little hamster powered space pod. The main issue so far is once I've got food and bedding and the wheel to power it I'm a out of space for my booze, you think if I jettison all my oxygen I'll get an extra can of cider in? I'm not sure hamsters really need oxygen anyway, I prefer inhaling the fumes from whiskey. I just need to find an appropriately large elastic band to fire me up into space then run really fast of my wheel, I packed a tiiiiiiiiny space suit and a straw.
I think I will throw a little party before I go, well I say party I mean I'm going to go back to my cage and drink whats left of the booze in there as running fuel... To greatness and drunken bliss and beyond! Hamster out.

My buddy, Arky.

Well today I went to visit my friend Arky, Small dove guy a bit bald, alright very bald for a hamster not that I say much, well when sober anyway. Got to his cage, nice affair with curtains and a little shrubbery outside pond and the lot to find a note tacked to the door saying, "For any callers, ahem, Zaphod, I have moved to Australia and won't be back." Which was fine, but I could clearly see him through the bars watching TV and having a pint. Either he hadn't moved yet or he had bought some posh booze he didn't want me at. I decided it was time to see which. He has a sky light on the top of his cage just big enough for a trim hamster. I decided that was the best way in.
I took a huge swig from my pouch flask (Like a hip flask just for hamsters) and climbed up the bars, I swear those bars kept dancing and one waved either that or I'd put the extra strong stuff in my flask again by accident.Well being as quiet as I could I go to the window and tried dropping through backwards.
It turns out I am not a trim hamster. If anyone could please come and prize me out you can have a drink. Please? Arky is going to wet himself when he comes upstairs to my bum, that's unless I wet myself first...

Anyway while I'm stuck here dangling, I may as well tell you of a similar incident when I was a pup. It had been a family day out, me, my Mama and my 7 sisters. We had gone to the local park (in the loft insulation, soft so when we fell off the roof joists above be didn't hurt out self, hamsters are a little more liberal when it comes to health and safety.) We hadn't been for a while, last time we when I had 3 brothers, I should have suspected something was untoward about them when Mama named them, Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (ironically she ate them in the wrong order.) But this time it was me and the girls who wanted to play princesses and decided been as I was the only boy in an all princess land I was to be the pony. The pony for 7 plump hamster pups all dressed in pink dresses covered in a copious amount of glitter shouting "faster pony faster". Mama had been sun bathing and talking to another Mama, Fenchurch, who by coincidence ate all her kids the week before which did set me on edge a little... well with her hanging round at a park and all... So she didn't see when I went running into the pond. The girls shrieked and yelled at me, I decided it was probably best to scarper so went to hide in the place they were calling The Tower, which was just an unused cage. Being small I thought I could slip through the bars to get in. I couldn't. Too much of a vimto belly probably. This was definitely not one of my best moves because 5 minuets later, completely wedged, my sisters turned up. And they had a spare princess dress. Leaving me in the bars they proceeded to again dress me blooming up! Half way through Mama turned up and asked "Where is that Zaphod again if he isn't careful..." I yelled "Here Mama! Help!" She shouted "Shut it Mavis" I did shut it but later when they had established I was me ask who the frig was Mavis... Mama Changed the subject, Maybe Mavis was supper?

Hic

Well you humans might be able to nip to the corner shop while I'm stuck in this cage. Last week Someone found my escape hole and plastered it up again, I'd a weeks chewing to get this sorted, well that's a week as long as I'd enough to drink in here which looking at the state of my bed was looking doubtful, you see I'd been cleaned out so had to start my stash all over again. Blooming humans and their sense of hygiene, I keep myself perfectly clean with my spit thank you very much. Where was I oh yes low booze supplies and no way out yes yes I was distracted by the large glass of whiskey I am currently doing backstroke in (The owner of said drink is a little baffled to say the least!).
Anyway by the second day I was all but out and could only get one toe out of the hole never mind my rather plump beer belly, (its a good look on a rodent, trust me *waggles eyebrows*) so I started in earnest, well after half a dozen sunflower seeds and a 7 hour nap just to make sure I was in tip top chewing state. By now I was a little frantic, if I ran out of booze my hang over would start, a hang over which I've been warding off the full effects of for about 2 years (that is a reeeeeaaallly long time for a hamster yous see about 40 human years)and I didn't want to end up meeting it head first, I'd never find any booze again you know!!!
So with my head starting to object I started chewing and there is nothing better at chewing a hole than a hamster. Even more so a hamster slipping into alcohol withdrawal! Minus the breaks (about 27 hours in breaks) I finished in about 3 hours, just in time!! Now I had to get out and to the fridge, in a two dog house crossing a room becomes hard work especially when the Long Dog starts whimpering when he sees a hamster, that confuses the humans. I found a half eaten squeaky toy under the sofa dragged it out into the open and jumped on it for all my life was worth, it worked both dogs lept up and I ran as fast as my little body could carry me to the fridge!
Here I had rigged up some time before a way of getting into the back of the fridge without anyone noticing so all was fine. But seen as my stocks were so low I needed a siphon pipe to cross the room to my cage, it was risky but safer than staying out of my cage when the humans were up I'll tell you! I keep plenty of this piping in my pouches for such emergencies. I found various half open bottles and stuck a pipe in each of them ready to run back to my cage when suddenly one of my worst nightmares happened. A human opened the fridge. I jumped quickly behind a jar of something pickled I think they were eggs but now look like anchovies, that had expired about 4 years ago and prayed it wasn't what they wanted. I was in luck they removed the cheese dish and all was dark again. Needed a quick swig of something at this point, the lack of cocktail shakers in here was quite disappointing at the time, I fancied a nice strong drink, like vodka,100% proof vodka. The strange whiskey liquire would have to do so after half a bottle of that it was time to go.
In this time space the world had stopped making much sense and the pickled onions and jam had become the most endearing conversationalists. When the door opened to replace the cheese I was in mid conversation with an outraged box of left over cabbage about the state of the government, who knew food knew so much... Things got a bit blurry then I just remember waking up 2 days later in the salad draw with a bottle of wine and 2 half eaten pickled eggs and half a kabab. Boy was I cold! Still with my pipes in paw I wobbled back to my cage. Safe. For now anyway.