Monday, 16 July 2012

Super hamster...

Today I felt the need to become a super hamster. Spreading drunkenness to the world, well not the actual booze, I'm not big on sharing that. Unless you ask nicely then I might give you a pint. Maybe. So I needed to find a cape, wandering aorund the house I found a few things that might work, the bed spread and some rugs. But the dining room rug was the best the floral pattern just goes with my eyes don't you think? cue some eyebrow waggling action. 
The dolls stupid cat was in the way, plastic animals can be so annoying sometimes. I swear he keeps pinching my gin shifty cat, the dolls left him behind when they moved.
Anyway I yanked the rug up knocking a load of stuff over in the process and tied it round my neck. Obviously now I looked highly sophisticated and mildly terrifying to all the world evil forces like water and the like!
Then I wondered if I could fly so I climbed all the way to the top of the house to jump out of the window. Then I realized the windows didn't actually open so had to go downstairs again to go out side and find something else to jump off.
The human has some quite high draws next to my house so I climbed on them finding the open draws contained some draws which I tried on. The bras looked best on me I think. Can you imagine? Anyway I got to the top and went into a flying dive pose and willed gravity to stop existing and jumped.
I landed on the floor.
Turns out hamsters can't fly.
That is squirrels that can glide some one swaped pages in my 'rodents of the world' book. I now feel mangled and I can't get my head from inside this dvd its like some huge rolling collar.
So humans and other beings can someone come and spoon feed me larger?
who can say no to this face?
Pretty please?
I could use my teeth as an incentive if you'd like...

I'm going to go find some vasaline and a shoe horn to get my head out of this cd.


Friday, 13 July 2012

Hamster house napper

Well hello, I've bought a house! Well when I say bought I mean I 'borrow' ok ok squat, I kicked the dolls out and moved in my self. Don't look like that! They had it coming. Kept saying "Do you want a drink little hamster?" Then throwing empty bottles at me.
Well I've really gone up in the world! I Have a pool table and everything! Not that I know how to play pool, I just like to stand under it  and pretend I'm a cat. It surprises people when they hear the table pur I'll tell you!
The picture below was when I decided to have an in depth conversation with the wall about the meaning of life the universe and everything.
Actually, I just asked where the nearest off license was that had no issue with supply rodents with drink. It didn't know. Said being an internal wall it didn't get out much. Shame really nice fellow must buy him a pint sometimes soon. Can walls drink? or do I need to mix it into some wall paper paste for him? I don't get along well with the dining room floor. It just won't stay still actually all the floors everywhere are the same, have they something against me?
Well I ought to go having a party tonight invited round some less discerning dolls, 25 ceramic monkeys and a rather confused stoat. By rather confused I mean he isn't a stoat. He's a duck. A female duck.
The booze won't drink its self you know! And maybe some laaaaaaaaaaady hamsters will turn up for me to waggle my eyebrows at. Going for a quick wash. In a pint glass. Toodlepip!*

*doesn't really work with me does it?

Thursday, 12 July 2012

Cardboard cut out of handsome

Humans! And other creatures! Do you want your own handsome hamster like me? #waggleseyebrows you can now buy a handmade card board cut out of me! Complete with bottles on my stand! For £5 towards my drinking fund. Hic.
 Tempted? Look at my face! Now you are. I'm a do special offers for bulk buys of my handsomeness! 
Now you can email me  for more details or use facebook here Zaphod Junior Hamster
 or tweet @zaphodjrham

Hamster out!

Tuesday, 26 June 2012

So Ovaltine...

Well I'm a not sure what has happened these past few months its a blur and the flash backs keep coming back. I ought to annul my marriage to the sheep skin rug from Las Vegas. Keeps following me about. I think it needs a good wash rugs shouldn't walk. Or bleet. Baaaa....
Well one story from my adventures is this, don't ask me where it happened, all I know is my air miles have gone up and I can now have 5 free round the world flights.
So back to my story. I mentioned the Ovaltine experience the other day involving a jar. Well I was pottering down a table somewhere minding my own business when some one opened a window, I'd just had a pee so was feeling light and relatively booze free (we hamsters have huge pees for our size) so when this hurricane of a gust comes through the window it starts blowing me backwards. I felt like I was in a wind tunnel cheeks flapping and the lot. I tried digging my claws into the table. Then I remembered despite what Albert Squirrel had told me, I'm not actually a cat. That didn't work.
for some reason the floor of this building had a lot of jars on the floor mostly about half full or half empty which ever floats your boat and I was heading for them, backwards. And fast.
I decided to go with this so managed to turn myself around and strike a diving pose so I had an areoplane like streamline, with a beer belly, teemed with a few aerial maneuvers this was quite fun actually, even managed to pull my pouch flask out for a quick tipple I made martini-mid-air which is like a regular martini just made at speed while flying through the air.
So here I was really getting into this when I started loosing altitude, some one had closed the window!! Dropping fast I put my paint-by-numbers away and started panicking. Below were a selection of jars some empty some not but directly below me was this quarter full Ovaltine jar. The neck seemed to be quite thin some kind of special bottle that was mildly like a ketchup bottle. I was hurtling downwards head first into the jar.
I landed head first down in this jar with my bum in the air stuck out waggling. Oh great I thought, now I'm stuck! So I decided to use the momentum of my ample sized beer belly to counter weight the bottle and knock it over, took a couple of swings and it was over knocking a few other jars in the process, from what I remember it was a bit like when you set up dominos and knock one down.
Anyway here I am with my head stuck in a weird shapped jar half walking half rolling around when the human walks in.
I was glad I couldn't speak human. That would have taken some explaining.
Hamster OUT!!
Z xx

Wednesday, 4 April 2012

Writing and passing out under the sofa.

Well I probably shouldn't have drank that last bottle last week in my defense it was free booze.. well I say free it was the drips tray at a brewery... I say drips tray I mean I was swimming in one of the vats with arm bands on. Good day or was it a week? After the first gallon I lost concept of time...
Sun flower seed beer is good stuff. Booze and seeds what else?

Well even though I spend a while in the vat with my arm bands on I had time to write an album review here it is enjoy,
It is of St Vincent's album Strange Mercy. Its whisker tingleing goodness. I keep a copy in my left pouch behind the peanut butter at all times.

Well that is me for now, got to go wash this mayonnaise from my fur, never take a bet that you can balance on the edge of a box in a sandwich shop.
Hamster out.

Sunday, 11 March 2012

An ode to Charring

Today is my fair sweet love's birthday, so this post will be an ode to her beauty.

Oh Charring Cross,
How you fur shines,
How your eyes gleam,
How you waddle so seductively when you walk,
How your sent is so wonderful,
How your fur shines like a nice big bowl of fresh baby food,
How I wish it tasted the same,
How I wish I knew what it actually tasted like...
How your eyes gleam like my fresh poops on a warm afternoon,
How your fat flabs as you walk,
How you are round like a blonde tennis ball,
How you are such a beautiful tennis ball worth every scrap of the food you must have pigged out on!
How you smell like a sewer,
How you smell like a moldy packed of smokey bacon crisps when on heat,
How you sometimes smell of stale wee,
How I love your wee.
My fair beautiful love how you are so many wonderfull things my smelly, fat, baby food coloured love!

Friday, 9 March 2012


Been a pretty dull day today, to spice things up a bit I decided too travel round backwards all day. It really messed with the degu's mind I can tell you!! I got out of bed reversed to my 'water' bottle had a massive swig of vodka then reversed down my escape tube. Today was a good day to visit my great-nephew Mascot-Pinky (the humans like to argue over what he is called I call him Allan. Suits him.) To get there I had to climb the degu's cage. Now Simples, the degu, was sat on his swing minding his own buissness when I came past, bum first still spending the day reversing. He fell of the swing backwards and squarked loudly at me in supprise. He climbed back up and asked me, 'What are you doing? You drunken pratt?' I informed him that I was spicing up my day by reversing. I think the swig of vodka as an answer explained it all, I think it was my vodka he was drinking. The vandle!! My vodka?!?!
Now I briefly considered biting him but my blood alcohol levels being on the low side (due to vodka theft) I decided his teeth were slightly bigger than mine and it probably wouldn't end well, for him not me, you know when your not used to your booze you might bite yourself in confusion! I can tell you Allan was a bit confused when I backed up to his cage bum first! getting in and out the door was hard work backwards, blind falling!
Getting down the degu cage was equally interesting. Simples tried chewing my toes. So I peed in his cage. Hamster revenge. I'm not sure he was impressed either that or he thought it was a very disappointing whiskey vintage!