Being a hamster can be a bit of a drag, no opposable thumbs to open things, diminutive size and so on, but we have come up with a way of beating this. We all thing we are massive and could take on anything. Take the long dog for example, he is terrified of my mighty roar. The amount of people scared of our pointy teeth is a bit silly though, human teeth are bigger. So to add to this adversity is the fact we are kept in secured cages, which is fine, if you are a normal hamster mix eating water drinking rodent. But I know there is more out there, for example, music and drink (not necessarily in that order)and laaaaaaaaady hamsters. So my life is a bit of a struggle for finding new ways and means of escape all made harder by the fact I'm permanently off my face.
The laaaaaaady hamster I love, my fair love Charring Cross, is all the way in the other room at the top of some shelves. In my spare time I like to seranade her drunkenly using my tiny guitar strung with mouse whiskers (The mouse wasn't chuffed when I was plucking it but it backed down as soon as I got some food out). Carried in my pouch so I can climb the shelves easily.
well on this one time I came to stand by her cage, if I stand on top she bites my toes, and started playing when I hear a door open, first I thought it was the humans home early but on closer inspection of Charring's cage I saw how she had piled her toys so when they fell off sounded like a door, expecting me to scarper. When I glanced at her she was sat in the corner of her cage laughing, she said 'If your songs got an worse Zaph dear, they would be illegal. Now pass me your guitar so I can eat it to save my ears.'
Well I was mighty offended and ate the flowers I'd bought ahem stolen in revenge. They tasted nasty. Later I found out they were plastic. I was in the process of storming off, or more stumbling off, when I heard a door sound again, I turned to Charring and she shrugged. This time it was the humans and I was out of my cage. There was nothing for it. I shoved my guitar in my pouch and rummaged around a bit, lots of old buttons and half eaten polos I kept finding, I don't like polos, finally I found it! My ninja hamster outfit!!
Donning my what was now a very very tight ninja suit (I think I put on weight since I had it made the centimeter of belly in the middle was the giveaway) and jumped down. Charring and now polly and Arky were all laughing now (Yes hamsters can laugh, hold one near your ear and tell it a joke you'll hear it), trying to keep face I walked off at speed thinking ouch ouch landed on a drawing pin, drawing pin in bum. Once I was out of sight I screamed, bad move it just caused more laughing turns out you can hear round corners. Turning back to my cage I started to run when at the last moment I saw a dog toy falling on my face I decided to roll back to me cage because the other hamsters were now starting to laugh. I really needed a stiff drink.
Couldn't go anywhere for about 2 weeks after that without being well and truly mocked 'pickledrollypolly ninja ham'. I do wonder if I will ever live that down. Its not easy being a hamster.
Showing posts with label arky. Show all posts
Showing posts with label arky. Show all posts
Monday, 30 January 2012
Wednesday, 25 January 2012
My buddy, Arky.
Well today I went to visit my friend Arky, Small dove guy a bit bald, alright very bald for a hamster not that I say much, well when sober anyway. Got to his cage, nice affair with curtains and a little shrubbery outside pond and the lot to find a note tacked to the door saying, "For any callers, ahem, Zaphod, I have moved to Australia and won't be back." Which was fine, but I could clearly see him through the bars watching TV and having a pint. Either he hadn't moved yet or he had bought some posh booze he didn't want me at. I decided it was time to see which. He has a sky light on the top of his cage just big enough for a trim hamster. I decided that was the best way in.
I took a huge swig from my pouch flask (Like a hip flask just for hamsters) and climbed up the bars, I swear those bars kept dancing and one waved either that or I'd put the extra strong stuff in my flask again by accident.Well being as quiet as I could I go to the window and tried dropping through backwards.
It turns out I am not a trim hamster. If anyone could please come and prize me out you can have a drink. Please? Arky is going to wet himself when he comes upstairs to my bum, that's unless I wet myself first...
Anyway while I'm stuck here dangling, I may as well tell you of a similar incident when I was a pup. It had been a family day out, me, my Mama and my 7 sisters. We had gone to the local park (in the loft insulation, soft so when we fell off the roof joists above be didn't hurt out self, hamsters are a little more liberal when it comes to health and safety.) We hadn't been for a while, last time we when I had 3 brothers, I should have suspected something was untoward about them when Mama named them, Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (ironically she ate them in the wrong order.) But this time it was me and the girls who wanted to play princesses and decided been as I was the only boy in an all princess land I was to be the pony. The pony for 7 plump hamster pups all dressed in pink dresses covered in a copious amount of glitter shouting "faster pony faster". Mama had been sun bathing and talking to another Mama, Fenchurch, who by coincidence ate all her kids the week before which did set me on edge a little... well with her hanging round at a park and all... So she didn't see when I went running into the pond. The girls shrieked and yelled at me, I decided it was probably best to scarper so went to hide in the place they were calling The Tower, which was just an unused cage. Being small I thought I could slip through the bars to get in. I couldn't. Too much of a vimto belly probably. This was definitely not one of my best moves because 5 minuets later, completely wedged, my sisters turned up. And they had a spare princess dress. Leaving me in the bars they proceeded to again dress me blooming up! Half way through Mama turned up and asked "Where is that Zaphod again if he isn't careful..." I yelled "Here Mama! Help!" She shouted "Shut it Mavis" I did shut it but later when they had established I was me ask who the frig was Mavis... Mama Changed the subject, Maybe Mavis was supper?
I took a huge swig from my pouch flask (Like a hip flask just for hamsters) and climbed up the bars, I swear those bars kept dancing and one waved either that or I'd put the extra strong stuff in my flask again by accident.Well being as quiet as I could I go to the window and tried dropping through backwards.
It turns out I am not a trim hamster. If anyone could please come and prize me out you can have a drink. Please? Arky is going to wet himself when he comes upstairs to my bum, that's unless I wet myself first...
Anyway while I'm stuck here dangling, I may as well tell you of a similar incident when I was a pup. It had been a family day out, me, my Mama and my 7 sisters. We had gone to the local park (in the loft insulation, soft so when we fell off the roof joists above be didn't hurt out self, hamsters are a little more liberal when it comes to health and safety.) We hadn't been for a while, last time we when I had 3 brothers, I should have suspected something was untoward about them when Mama named them, Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner (ironically she ate them in the wrong order.) But this time it was me and the girls who wanted to play princesses and decided been as I was the only boy in an all princess land I was to be the pony. The pony for 7 plump hamster pups all dressed in pink dresses covered in a copious amount of glitter shouting "faster pony faster". Mama had been sun bathing and talking to another Mama, Fenchurch, who by coincidence ate all her kids the week before which did set me on edge a little... well with her hanging round at a park and all... So she didn't see when I went running into the pond. The girls shrieked and yelled at me, I decided it was probably best to scarper so went to hide in the place they were calling The Tower, which was just an unused cage. Being small I thought I could slip through the bars to get in. I couldn't. Too much of a vimto belly probably. This was definitely not one of my best moves because 5 minuets later, completely wedged, my sisters turned up. And they had a spare princess dress. Leaving me in the bars they proceeded to again dress me blooming up! Half way through Mama turned up and asked "Where is that Zaphod again if he isn't careful..." I yelled "Here Mama! Help!" She shouted "Shut it Mavis" I did shut it but later when they had established I was me ask who the frig was Mavis... Mama Changed the subject, Maybe Mavis was supper?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)